Crap Service

I feel truly compelled to mention this, as much as I hate to whinge about it, for all its notoriety within the state and internationally.

I walked into the beige-coloured Roman-architectured single-storey building at one of the poshest suburbs in Perth city, with eager anticipation. We had called up weeks before to make an appointment for viewing and trying out some of the most gorgeous Vera Wang bridal gowns at this only distributor in WA. We were told that an appointment was not necessary and we would be welcomed anytime.

At the entrance, I was greeted by a straight-faced sales lady with shoulder-length blondie tress, dressed casually, somewhat like a misfit in a majestic setting. After being asked politely what we were looking for, she disappeared straight into her counter behind a wall, whilst we remained standing at the entrance, momentarily wondering if we had actually been to the right destination.

"This is the catalogue of gowns we have in our store now..." she returned to the entrance with a tattered copy of pictures, a replica of the 2007 Summer's collection in the website which I had browsed through during my searching.

Pauses...I flipped through the thin flimsy book anyway...more pauses...

"Can I view the gowns, if you do have any in the store?" I broke the ice, after waiting in vain for her to take the initiative.

"Oh yes, wait a while..." she disappeared into a small storage room in a corner.

"We have 2 of the gowns here..." she returned after a minute or two.

Pauses...

"Can we have a look? It'll be nice to feel the texture if possible..." I was getting a bit impatient.

"Ok..." We were finally guided into the storeroom, where there was a mixture of gowns from various designers wrapped up in plastic sheets.

"This is the piece on the last page of the book..."

I tried studying the design through the thick transparent zipped up cover.

"Would I be able to have a feel of the material or texture?" I asked politely.

"Sure..." she unzipped the cover and I took over the gown.

"Is that the only size? This piece obviously looks much bigger than what I can fit in?

"We only have one size. We can try trimming off the seams at the bottom and make a long train..."

"So it can be altered?"

"Yes, it can."

"Do you have another piece?" I asked again, trying to speed up the viewing.

"Yup..." she pulled out another long silky gown next to it, again wrapped up heavily in a thick transparent cover.

"Can I have a closer feel again?"

"Sure..." she looked on as I unzipped the wrapper myself.

"The textures are different. I like the second piece..." I tried to prompt her.

"Yes, it's silk..." As I admired it with my fiance, she walked away.

I noticed that there was only one other customer in the store, already being served by a more enthusiastic sales person. Who was more smartly dressed.

I walked out of the room, slightly disappointed.

My fiance, sensing my mood, asked again: "Can we try them on?"

"Oh, you need to make an appointment and let us know which are the ones you would like to try..."

We were taken by surprise as we were told beforehand that we could try them out in the store without one. Nevertheless, we looked through the book again and picked out some favoured ones. We indicated our preferences to her.

"So, shall we make an appointment? Next Saturday?" Finally, I sensed a tinge of enthusiasm.

"Perhaps we can have your card and call again for an appointment?" My spirits by then had been dampened by the mediocre service and less than grandiosed interior design, as much as I was drooling buckets over the beautiful gowns.

"Sure, here's my card."

"Thank you, N****." I smiled politely and made an exit. There was no enquiry for my name or contact number.

It was a disappointing moment, certainly not expected for a highbrow luxury attire in its own league. It deserves more respect and dignity for its longstanding reputation and status.

I resolve to have the gown no matter what. We will rather spend a little more and fly to the eastern states or even Singaland, for less substandard personalities and treatment.

Stuff the crap service here.

Escapism

My emotions start sizzling. I don't feel so lousy anymore. Perhaps this is what they call acceptance, after passing phases of anger and denial. When I received my scores for the exam, I realised that I had only failed marginally. Yes, it is still a failure, but I guess my standard is not that bad. My brain matter may have started to shrivel after the big '3' but I think there is still enough left to attempt another round. One final attempt...

I wished I didn't have to do it again. I just hoped to settle down, have kids and be a homemaker. Be away from all scrutinies and tests of life. Escapism.

I called up R, my honourable ex-studymate and comrade, whom like me, despite the wealth of clinical experiences we had, had failed to make that crucial mark.

"How did you score? Mine's 95, 85 (scores for the two parts)..."he asked expectantly.

"Err...it was marginal for me too...97, 85..." I said hesitantly.

There was a momentary awkward silence. R has always been held in high regards due to his immense knowledge and sheer confidence throughout his many years in the institution.

"I am really disappointed with myself..." he sighed, "I gotta leave you now coz my two kids are screaming at the top of their lungs and my wife is at work..."

I could not find any words to comfort him at that point. I was really in a no-better situation.

Life is so full of disappointments. And comfort is sometimes only created at the expense of someone else' sorrows.

"These things I wish for you -- tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life." - Paul Harvey

Failure

I was approached by one of my most respected consultant in the hospital while doing a ward round two days ago.

"I heard about your exam...it's all luck...you should try again...you know so much...you should never give up..."

A very short comment, yet spoken with such strong affirmation and confidence.

My heart fluttered for a second, then sank again to the bottomless pit. Despite this, I smiled at him and reassured him: "Thank you, Dr M...I'll try again next year..."

Up till then, I had been depressed, despondent and angry. I thought I had toughened. After all, I have dealt with failures of all sorts. Failed relationships... failed exams, including a major one while at university, throwing me into the deepest abyss in my life and teaching me all about humility and reality of life. But nothing quite prepared me for this one, a long while since I last took any exam. Honestly, I should have been more mentally prepared for the worst, as I had been distracted with other social events during the studying period and I was not in my best state of mind on that crucial day.

But I was angry because I had to go through this again. I asked God: "Why am I so unlucky in this life? Why is nothing ever going smoothly for me? Why do I have to go through so many bumps and humps? Why can't I be as fortunately as those bitchy people whom I know but hate? Why is it that there is nothing I can look forward to right now, not even in my relationship? Why do I have to deal with so much s***?...."

Perhaps it was one of those hiccups in my relationship at the same time that accentuated my sense of gloom, the feeling that I am being taken for granted and my perpetuating dissent towards his parents. Or perhaps it was my own uncertainty about the whole affair, that we are not meant to be together because of all the hardships that I foresee will happen in the future.

My mind is a roller-coaster right now. There was a lot of encouragement and support from my consultants (especially the charming young Greek gastroenterologist) and peers at the workplace right now, and that propelled me to reconsider sitting for the exams again. My parents are here by my side and I should be thankful that they are in the pink of health and able to enjoy the fruits of their labour.

Maybe I should stop thinking about the failure...

The credit belongs to the people who are actually in the arena;
whose faces are marred by dust and sweat and blood,
who strive valiantly;
who errand come short again and again;
who know the great enthusiasms,the great devotions, and spend themselves in worthy causes;
who, at the best, know in the end the triumph of high achievement;
and who, at the worst, if they fail, at least fail while daring greatly,
so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls
who know neither victory nor defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt

Seasons

I couldn't believe the timely (or perhaps belated?) post which I received from a friend whom I have not heard for what seemed like decades, via one of her numerous mass emails. It was as if she had known what I went through recently, and an attempt to salvage my embittered soul with resoundingly powerful words and pictures.

Lessons on Life

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.

Don't judge life by one difficult season.

Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later

Reflections

It has been a long hiatus from blogging. It has been 5 months, yet it seems like I have been through ages of experience and events. It was a roller-coaster of emotions and happenings. It helped that I had been home for a week to sort out my thoughts and priorities. Love is blind and boy, how true it was for me, with every attempt to defend and justify His appalling actions.

My good friend's timely email of an article was consoling and poignant:

1. Holidays and happy at home.

I went to visit a friend while I was on holiday recently. When he saw me arrive he asked me if I had been given the day off work or was I absconding! I said, "Oh I'm on holiday". "How come you are still in Perth then and not travelling?""Because I'm happy being at home", came my answer. At that point he looked at me with total disbelief. "Well you must at least take the phone off the hook?" I shook my head and just smiled at him. I was happy, and I'd spent 2 weeks at home. Bliss. "How come it was bliss?", I thought to myself. I decided it was because I could be happy with small things. In fact I think sometimes our society misleads us into thinking we need high levels of excitement and big things - possessions, parties, occasions, etc. to be happy. And I don't think that this is the case. So where is happiness? And more importantly how can we find it even when things go wrong? Read on to the tips section to find out.

2. Top tips on how to find happiness even when things go wrong.

Tip A. Look for peace, not for excitement.

Happiness is already inside you - it's in the places where you feel at peace. For example, if you sit quietly now, and follow your breath going in and out of the body - can you notice there is a small gap between the in breath and the out breath? In that moment it is usually quite quiet. Now you have the idea, how about you close your eyes and take 3 breaths in and out to notice the gap and the peace. This is something you can do at any time of the day, whether on the bus, the toilet or at your desk. And what you are doing is training yourself to look for peace. Most of us distract ourselves and only look for stimulation or excitement. And if we can learn to do something simple like this when things are going well, then when things are going wrong, we can do the same thing. Find peace by small, simple means.

Tip B. Look for long term contentment not short term excitement.

Having a great night out can be a thrill. Seeing my favourite band, the Sensitive New Age Cowpersons can have me dancing around and glowing with delight for days on end. But this isn't where lasting happiness is - rather it's just an exciting buzz that lasts for the short term. After the excitement there can be quite a downer - everything else can appear drab in comparison. Or, I crave for more, so rather than becoming happier I become dissatisfied; saying things like "Oh, I wish that we can see them again", "Who else is on?" or "There's nothing to do". Instead of short term excitement we need to also look for an attitude to life, to actions and to thoughts that will lead to a more consistent contentment irrespective of what we do. What radiance we would have then! If we have developed long term contentment, then when things go wrong we wouldn't be so thrown by them. We would have built up a reservoir of contentment that we could draw on. It's like putting money in the bank ! for a rainy day.

Tip C. Notice what you say to yourself.

There is research that shows people deal with failure and problems differently. Some people, when things go wrong, talk pessimistically about what has happened, e.g. they blame themselves, they think it will always be awful, they think badly of themselves, or they think the bad times will last for a long time.
Others, in contrast, talk about it in a far more optimistic way. And guess who is happier, who lives longer and is healthier? The ones who talk to themselves about the problems in a more optimistic way.

Tip D. Let it go.

When things go wrong it's easy to go on about them. It's a bit like the cows who chew the cud, people go over and over and over in their minds what has happened and their grievances about it. So your car breaks down, and you grizzle about it. You wish you'd never bought that particular type of car. You then remember it was Richard who suggested it was a good car - so then you start to grizzle about Richard. Even once the car is mended you are still complaining about the car. All the time you are doing this you are depriving yourself of happiness. Every time you grizzle you've blocked out happiness. Let it go. Shrug your shoulders. Write in a journal. Yell at the waves. Go for a run. Put on a Rolling Stones record and sing, "I can't get no satisfaction" until you burst out laughing. Get it out of you. Let it go. And move on.

Tip E. Expect things to go wrong - it's normal.

So often it is our own expectations and high standards that lead us away from happiness and into dissatisfaction. Yet our expectations are often unrealistic - things do go wrong, things do cost more than we calculated, things do take longer than we wanted, people do make mistakes, humans do say the wrong things, bodies get sick, people die, things don't work, people forget, items get lost, others get broken - this is normal. If you can factor in normal expectations your level of contentment won't take such a beating.

Recently a woman e-mailed me because her wedding photographs had not turned out as well as she wanted. Now, months later, she was still upset about it. But were her expectations even realistic in the first place? No! Anyone who thinks that everything about her wedding day should be perfect is going to be disappointed! She had imagined she would look soft, dreamy and demure in her photos but somehow she looked a little stiffer. She had wanted fewer posed shots and more with herself and her husband kissing and hugging in a more natural way. I thought of our own wedding photos - I had a grin fixed ear to ear by the end, like a cardboard cheshire cat, I got so tired of smiling for the photographers. Then there was one with us looking quite mad, and another with my veil blowing all over the place. If you think it's easy looking good in posed photos - it's not - ask any model. To look relaxed in a posed photo is a very high level skill.

Happiness doesn't come from having high expectations, being a perfectionist, or demanding unrealistic standards. Happiness comes by accepting that life does not run smoothly and by allowing the hiccups that happen to do so without their knocking your contentment. As a friend said to me recently, when I asked how he was, "As with all people, problems coming in, problems going out". I laughed. He's one of the most peaceful and contented people I know.

***
Perhaps the biggest challenge for me at this stage would be letting it go...

Fingers & Hands

Frustrated and vexed, the police officer repeatedly pressed my right thumb on the transparent sensor and rolled it meticulously across it.

The words "Fingerprint not recognised" flashed on the monitor again.

He tried with my right index finger and it failed as well. And then my left thumb, and left index finger, and so on and so forth....

"This is so baffling! It has never happened before! It can't be the machine coz' the dozens of people who did this before you had no problem. The machine must have hated you..." The roly-poly constable exclaimed while pulling his hair out, or whatever was left on his crowning glory.

I stared at my fingers. What went wrong, I asked myself. I just needed a set of fingerprints to obtain a police clearance from my homeland. The machine simply refused to recognise all, except 2, of my fingers.

"Why, she has no fingerprint? Does it mean she can rob a bank or steal a diamond ring?" He, who was visiting Sydney at that time, commented lightheartedly.

I returned to the police station a few hours later and attempted once more, unsuccessfully. We aborted it and decided to send whatever prints that were recognisable to the Singaland police headquarters. And prayed for the best that I would be granted an identity and criminal clearance.

This was twilight zone and way beyond my plausible medical explanation.

***
His hands are almost twice the size and thickness of mine. They are strong, warm and gripful. Yet at the same time, they exude gentleness, love and security.

They become my source of heat when I shiver in the cold of winter and blowing air-conditioners.

They are my companions when we take long walks along the lakes and bridges.

They guide me through times of difficulties and frustrations, in the forms of writing words or dialling on the phone.

They provide care and concern, by running through my hair or caressing my face.

The scars, though old and healed, break my heart and I bleed from within, knowing how much he had journeyed alone before I came into existence.

The fingers, rock-solid and steady, intertwine with my spindly ones, filling up the gaps in my life and soul.

I love his pair of hands and yearn to hold on to them for as long as I can.

"I love a hand that meets my own with a grasp that causes some sensation."

Torment

What a torture! Imagine a day without TV or fridge! And for me, it's not just a day, but a full 5 weeks of tormenting abstinence! Blame it on my shocking efficiency; I managed to sell off all my furniture and even found a replacement tenant within 2 days! But my beloved TV and DVD set, as well as my almost brand-new bar fridge were taken away from me within a week (sob...sob...). I've been learning to live as a minimalist with just my laptop as my sole saviour of boredom, and of course more random thinking, worrying and daydreaming, which my boyfriend had deemed detrimental to my mental and our relationship well-beings.

I have tendered my resignation and written a letter of good note. No ill-feelings so far amongst my superiors and the administrators thankfully, which has made my job pleasant and amicable, much more so than back in Singaland. My love and passion for Geriatrics Medicine has not faltered, and I still cherish every minute of my work in the land of Oz.

My only dilemma at this stage is my car: to sell or not to sell? It would have been lots simpler if I have found a private buyer who is willing to fork out an amount that we are both comfortable with. I stand to lose $5000 if I sell it to a dealer, and have to fork out more than $1200 if I transport it interstate, pending further inspection there and new registration of the vehicle. A big hassle, no doubt, and a new load of responsibilities.

I am hoping to get away with a car after moving. He has been willing to share his car with me and chauffeur me around. I can always buy another car if required. I truly need to consider saving some money for rainy days or further investments.

I hope this relocation will be of permanence and a herald of a new chapter in our lives.

I finally did it!

Yes, I managed to upload this beautiful picture of Sunset at Lake Macquarie in Newcastle into my blog! Yeah!

More pics to come. May add some into my old blogs for completion.

Stressed!

I am so stressed and overwhelmed! I wish I never have to deal with all these. Unfortunately, this is stark reality. I brought it upon myself and now I have to face it and deal with it. It is the price I have to pay for packing up and leaving my comfort zone one year ago.

So many tasks...so many challenges ahead...all for the sake of love and its stupidities! To abandon yet another place of familiarity (or perhaps not?) and relocate to a completely new state, not just a city or suburb! It is not just Toa Payoh to Tampines, which will be 20 minutes' drive by car, but a good long 5 hours flight via the damned cheapo and dismally serviced budget airline.

I have gotta find a new god-sent tenant for my landlord before I face the music and the court (blame it on myself for signing a one-year lease too confidently). I've got to sell my car, not hoping too much for a profit at this stage (skyrocketing fuel prices and all). I need to wait painstakingly for the approval of the "concerned" medical board before I can lodge in my visa application, which will then lead to yet another long heartaching wait. And finally, the crucial resignation letter - one that will mercilessly crucify and blacklist me from any future employment opportunities in New South Wales.

I know I may end up worrying too much and inducing unnecessary grey hair. Hopefully, if I am blessed enough, these tricky little pieces will fit the jigsaw puzzle nicely. That I may find the tenant swiftly, sell my car smoothly, be approved of my visa thankfully, and have the blessings and support of my current bosses amazingly. Afterall, I had done the impossible at Newcastle. And emerged unscathed and stronger.

I guess in the meantime, I should just sail the moment and relish whatever the ocean has to offer to me. Before embarking onto my next new shore.

"The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."

Conscience

I am so confused. And apprehensive. I ought to be happy, but I am not. I am feeling really unsettled.

I have my doubts again, about Him and our relationship. I should be thinking about his various good points and accept his flaws and imperfections, just as much as he is doing for me. But time and again, he irritated me with his notions, which he perceived acceptable in his country, and time and again, I had told him that this was not within MY culture or my upbringing. I should not be arguing with him over the phone because this will only cause a bigger rift between us, which already is created by the existing long distance.

My parents and friends had warned me: "Open your eyes and observe carefully...", "You should dump him now, before things get out of control...", "Don't rush, take your time...", "You really deserve someone better, especially with your qualities..."

I am trying to be fair to him and not be judgemental like most of my folks in Singaland. The very thought of breaking up with him or leaving him for good will fill my lacrimal ducts with flooded tears, at any moment and time of the day, even while working. Have I caught the dreaded depression bug? I have sunk too deeply into this abyss of love and it is just too difficult to leap out of it now.

And I am fearful. Of repercussions. At the prospects of giving my career and reputation here to be with him in Perth. I know people here are going to be unhappy. I am still wondering how to tell them. I should be thankful that I have found a more fulfilling position elsewhere. It is just my conscience.

I wish I have less conscience and heart at this stage.

"It is easier to cope with a bad conscience than with a bad reputation."

Tired?

I do feel tired. Despite having survived 5 arduous years of lengthy 30-odd hours of on-calls back home, at least 4 times monthly, sometimes without sleep in between, I still get pretty cranky whenever I have to deal with another evening shift or off-site call nowadays. Even though they are heaps less hectic, with shorter hours. Not withstanding the grossly pathetic renumerations that come with them. I think my stamina is truly draining dramatically and my aged cells shrivelling with apoptosis.

I told Him I wouldn't mind being a housewife. I'd rather be at home manhandling four tyranny brats (if it even included the male origin of their Y-chromosomes), than to wait with dreaded anticipation for the nuisance beeps or phone calls from the hospital. We medics all share a similar sentiment: We just feel like smashing those damned ringing machines against the walls most of the time.

He said I will be bored to death at home. Then I will start having wild imaginations, strange misconceptions and unsubstantiated suspicions about Him. And there will be endless arguments and domestic fights...he will end up sleeping on the couch in the living room...No, no, he said, "You need to work!"

My mum just reiterated the above during our conversation. You should work for at least another two years, she said, when my neurons are still wired and my cortex not atrophied. Darn, for once, I think my mum and boyfriend are going to get along well for the same cause.

I ought to be thankful that I am in the pink of health and still capable of contributing to society and mankind. An ex-classmate from medical school, now a proud father of three and a newly-groomed psychiatrist, advised me two years ago: "Never say you are tired and need a rest. I said that and it really happened; Struck with a spinal tumour, requiring surgery and radiotherapy...more than ample rest in the last 6 months! So, always be grateful that God wants you to work." His words held weighted truth and wisdom.

So here I am, counting my lucky stars, that I have been blessed with valuable job opportunities in the beautiful land of Oz, and having met my gem and greatest love here.

What's there to complain? The beepers or mobiles can carry on shrieking. At least I know I am not deaf!

Smiles

I can never forget those smiles on His face. They were so precious. For someone who does not smile that often, those were priceless. It must have been the flora in the gardens and the waters in the ocean. The alluring beauty of nature...and of course, my very mere presence!

And I have been smiling a lot too, he said. The coy saccharine blush on my cheeks when our eyes met at the airport, and the plastered grins exuding bliss in the pictures...yes, we managed to capture all that in the camera.

There was no rationale. Our minds were blank, not thinking. Emotions overruled. Our hearts were light, pure and complete. Burning with passion and romance. And yes, we are still smiling this very moment. We simply cannot wipe them off our faces.

"Somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile."

Walks

I love walking. I always enjoy it. Whether it is scurrying or window-shopping in the malls, or along the lakes and oceans, basking in the warm summer breeze. It fills me with serenity of the mind and sensuality of my physical sense.

And I am no longer alone. I have found Him, who relishes the adrenaline-flowing activity too. Not too vigorous for our over-thirty year old physiques, but sufficient for some endorphin stimulation.

They are walks through our emotions and memories. They will become an integral part of our lives living together. The firm grips of our hands, with our fingers strongly interlocked, transcend our bodies with warmth and affection, despite the constant cool caress from the spring climate.

We talk about every molecule and atom on earth. Like our daily phone conversations, which can smash a record high of 5 hours on certain days. Food, people, work, feelings, family, friends, interests, movies, our past, present and future...it is amazing how intricately connected our minds and souls are. Walks will never be a bore again.

We search actively for the rainbows, the symbols of hope and miracle for us. We admire and appreciate God's wonderful art pieces, in the form of the cloudy blots and whiffs in the clear blue sky. We spot a few speckles of celestial stars shimmering in the alluring moonlight. It is so great to be alive and live the moment with the loved one.

Walks are never the same for us again, because we have found each other and will always treasure that gift of love.

"The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention."

Calm

With the passing of the storm came the descent of calm and serenity of emotions. Once again, the clarity of the mind was overpowered by the tenderness of the heart.

The love poems and the surprise bouquet of roses at the workplace did their tricks.

I am surrendering. Succumbed to the vulnerabilities of this powerful thing called love again...

"The heart has reasons that reason cannot understand."

It Hurts

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart, and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it.

They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you.

It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. So simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love."

Long-distance relationship is such an emotionally draining and costly process. My well of tears has been exhausted, and my heart numbed and void.

I am really tempted to call it quits, to cool it off now.

Really tempted....

Balance

Chaos, chaos!

Sirening ambulances charging at high speed into head-on traffic, on the pretext that the patients were dying in their tanks!

Traffic slowed down painfully due to a singleton vehicle parked along the left lane by its selfish owner, leaving only one remaining pathetic lane for usage!

Drivers honking impatiently and not signalling appropriately when turning corners!

Old cracked roads designed in haphazard fashions, confusing our tired minds even more!

Nightmarish journeys through the city lines!

Why did I even fall in love with this city in the first place?!

***
A former woodcutter, now a geriatric patient in the ward, was opening up ten packets of sugar, while preparing his cuppa tea. A concerned male nurse of Korean descent told him politely that it would not be good for his health.

"F*** off, you bloody Wog! Go back to your own country!" His abrupt outburst stunned everyone in the dining room, hurting the well-meaning nurse tremendously. A serious warning was issued to him about such derogatory racial slurs.

History repeated itself today, this time with insults targeted towards a gentle elderly Romanian at the adjacent bed.

A leopard can never change its spots. Dementia was perhaps his only plausible excuse.

***
"Why can't the world unite? Why is there discrimination in this universe? Why are people so mean to their own human race?..."

Such were the woeful laments of Mr W.F, a melancholic gentleman in his late seventies and a true-blue Ozzie, from day one of his admission to the hospital. His mission in this life was to uphold justice, help our mankind and address grievances of the less fortunate. Tears welled in his eyes as he spoke of the numerous sufferings of the Aborigines and the sexual discrimination faced by his female colleagues in the past. He did not view himself as being pessimistic or depressed. He believed with strong convictions that the world can be salvaged one day.

Can we change the world, I asked him.

***
I think we need a balance.

"There is no austerity equal to a balanced mind, no happiness equal to contentment, no disease like covetousness, and no virtue like mercy."

Isolation

Sydney, the glittering city of life and vibrance, no longer allures me. The warning words of acquaintances who have been there and done it rang in my ears. They were so right. There are more lives and souls around us, but solitude is the main theme here. I am feeling pangs of isolation right now.

There is no lack of friends. In fact, I have met and made wonderful pals, good enough to last me a lifetime. But living alone in a bustling city does come with a price. Safety is always the primary consideration. No longer can I drive out after sunset to the theatre alone without the impending fear of being mugged or kidnapped. Prank calls on the building intercom will leave me trepidated through the night, with the only solace being the comforting and loving voice from the other end of Australia.

Career is as stale as a dead fish here, despite being employed by one of the most renowned medical institutions in New South Wales. There is absolutely no opportunity for advancement at this stage. Is it a sign that I, too, should slow down my pace and relax?

Perhaps the one credit out of all these is the fact that I have finally mastered some art of cooking, an amazing feat for a spoilt brattess from Singaland and of course, an immensed consolation for her gluttony future partner. Independence and freedom should have been more treasured.

It is about time to sort out my priorities in life now.

"It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate."
(Henry David Thoreau, American Essayist, 1817-1862)

Gratitude

She was an unusual lady. And a very unfortunate one. But she inspired us deeply, all those around her who had tendered our care during her last living days with us. Struck mercilessly with sudden blindness, due to a nasty blood clot that choked the vessels supplying her occipital lobes, she had to deal with an unexpected darkness of the world, armed with only the senses of hearing and touch as her only contact with the rest of us.

Our hearts were nevertheless warmed by hers. Her interesting combination of Russian ancestry and a tumultous childhood, being brought up singlehandedly by an unwedded 17 year old mother, had perhaps made her the strong and stoic woman that she was. It probably ran in the genes as well, since her own biological mum had courageously braved the unforeseen dangers of routing via Serbia to Tianjin, China, where she and her child subsequently made their home.

"I can speak Chinese...I was from China..." I still remembered clearly her first few words to me, and her tone, full of pride and strength. There was an immediate affinity, since that was my mother tongue. The nurses and allied staff, too, felt the cord of attachment, especially in the mornings when she would greet us in return with all sincerity and guts. She never shed a tear despite the seemingly hopeless circumstance.

Her family was lovely. Sadness brimmed in their eyes as the flicker of hope faded with days. I consoled her daughter, and did as much as I could to alleviate her sorrows and guilt. She was actually much older than I am, but somehow I felt I could relate to her. I told her about my background, my dad and his illness one day. She was sympathetic and concerned. She gave me her best wishes.

The patient passed away eventually, with peace. As I handed the death certificate to the daughter, I sent my heartfelt condolences and wished I had somewhat made a good difference in the care. She replied with a very soothing smile: "You've not only helped my mother, but you have helped me as well. Thank you."

I could never forget the gaze from her eyes. And I will never regret my decision to be a physician, not in this lifetime.

"At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."
(Albert Schweitzer, German Medical Missionary, 1875-1965)

Stupidity

It is hard to find a theme and focus now, after such a long hiatus. In just a short one and a half month, I have done, seen, touched, felt and loved so much. The masculine scent of Him lingers, and despite having settled down more comfortably in the exciting world of Sydney, my heart somehow no longer belongs here, and the yearnings to be with the one I love grow stronger by the day.

"For it was not in my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."

These, however, did not erase the slight turmoil within me, the strange uncertainty of this whole relationship and its future of all. The realistic toss between bacon and feelings, the diversity and yet uncanny similarities of our personalities and backgrounds, and the hope for acceptance by my family and close friends, tickled my rationality, despite my strong desire not to let it lead for once.

Prudence of the best heads, as a friend has kindly pointed out, is often defeated by the tenderness of the best hearts. I want to be mad, insane, to fill my heart like an hourglass, as my brain empties to nought. For hope never abandons us; we abandon it.

"Love is being stupid together."
(Paul Valery, French Poet, 1871-1945)

Miracles

I couldn't believe this! I saw rainbows today again, not once, but twice! My third rainbow in a week, and yes, a real stormy week. I just think this is a sign, a silver lining in the midst of my recent upheavals of life.

I text Him immediately when I was first greeted by it while driving down to the mall last Friday. Right across the sky, magnificent and enchanting, a colourful trail of goodness of life and spirit. I wanted so much to share my elation with a loved one, and the first person I thought of was Him. Optimism prevailed despite the gloomy rain that had descended on our path of whirlwind love and romance.

I spotted it again today while on my way to work. A swift glance as I zoomed down the quiet road, in the midst of the stacked houses. Then at the T-junction across the lake, another presented before my full view, captivating and awesome as it arched gracefully into the clear crystal blue waters. I savoured every minute of the spectacular sight before making the turn reluctantly towards my destination.

It was amazing that none of my colleagues and friends whom I had asked saw the beauty of nature. It was a heavenly gift, and as one lovely nursing staff put it, they were meant specially for me.

Another friend was curious why I would be so excited and charmed by the rainbows, like a little girl who chanced upon a tiara. "Don't you have that in Singaland as well, or any parts of the world?" Well, I guess it was the state of mind and circumstance during which they appeared.

Have I ever stopped by the road and count the colours of the rainbow? Or listen to the melodious chirpings of the birds? Or smell the sweet scent of the roses? I had clearly been drowned by the stifling pursuits of the rat race back home and engulfed by the fiery flames of stress and dissatisfaction. How can I forget the miraculous 7 wonders of the world, which are To SEE, SMELL, HEAR, FEEL, TOUCH, TASTE and LOVE? I am beginning to slowly achieve each one of them with delight and relish.

My heart is now dancing to the oh-so-familiar tune of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". What a classic...

"Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
(by Harold Arlen and lyrics by E.Y. Harburg)

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Beyond Words

A good pal of mine who finally decided to glance through my blog yesterday, after giving it the haughty shun for so long, protested with childlike jealousy: "How come you mentioned J** and E****, but you didn't write anything about me? I'm also your good friend, right?"

I muttered beneath my breath: "I believe my fingers will be arthritic within a month if I have to dedicate an article to every one of my friends in this world..."

But I reckon that perhaps I should have mentioned her at some stage. She, who had stood by me all these years, through my ups and downs in my professional and social lives. Someone whom I had only become closely acquainted with during my medical school days, despite knowing each other since we were 13. One who can probably read my mind more than anyone else in this world (perhaps other than Him now) and whom I had shared lots of quality moments with, as well as with her beloved grandpa who was so dearly adorable.

Our friendship has clearly progressed beyond words. No amount of writing can adequately express the deep bond that we have built up over the last decade of our lives.

She had gone through some emotional turmoils as well, being involved in major tussles with her anal-retentive family, over the love of her life. She is still stuck in the rut unfortunately, unable to break free from their tight and stifling reins. She would have succumbed miserably to their constant smothering pressures, if not for our undying support and encouragement, and most significantly, his affections for her.

I have quoted this previously, and will dedicate it to her once again:

"To dream anything that you want to dream. That is the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed."

You do have my heartfelt blessings, my dear friend. And I hope you will read my blog this time.

Rainbow

I could not believe that what rightfully appeared to be an emotional attachment between just two of us, despite us being as different as Autumn and Spring, would have spiralled out of control to involve more people than we would have thought.

The cyclone had raged, heated exchanges made in fits of anger, and innocent parties drawn unwittingly into the roaring wheals.

I guess the triggers could have been the lack of experience when dealing with our loved ones back home, the unpreparedness for some well-meaning filtration of information to them, and most importantly, their unanticipated senses of loss and abandonment, after all those years of undue love and protection for their broods.

Nevertheless, we stood by each other stoically. Our affections grew stronger by the minute, and we learned to see the roses instead of the thorns. We might not be able to reverse the direction of the winds now, but at least we could adjust the sails accordingly to always reach our destination. The clouds may be gloomy right now, but we will try to float on them, rather than wallow in misery.

"May God bless us...
For every storm, a rainbow;
For every tear, a smile;
For every care, a promise; and
A blessing for every trial.
For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share;
For every sigh, a sweet song; and
An answer for every prayer."

What seemed to us as bitter trials, were often blessings in disguise. Our rainbow will come smiling through, as long as our souls are one and wholesome.

Moods

This is such a lovely song, by Anne Murray. It truly reflects my mood at this moment...light, sentimental, secured...

I'm Happy Just to Dance With You

Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me.

I don't wanna kiss or hold your hand
If it's funny, try and understand
There is really nothing else I'd rather do
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.

I don't need to hug or hold you tight
I just wanna dance with you all night
In this world there's nothing I would rather do
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.

Just to dance with you
Is everything I need
Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me.

If somebody tries to take my place
Let's pretend we just can't see her face
In this world there's nothing I would rather do
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you.

Just to dance with you
Is everything I need
Before this dance is through
I think I'll love you too
I'm so happy when you dance with me.

If somebody tries to take my place
Let's pretend we just can't see her face
In this world there's nothing I would rather do
I've discovered I'm in love with you.

'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you...

The Rose

Yes, I finally found the lyrics of the song "The Rose" written by Amanda McBroom, and the title tune of the movie. Mesmerising and so poignant...it really pulls my heartstrings since this is also my favourite flower:

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you, its only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love, in the spring
Becomes the rose

Tints

I find this encounter so hilarious, yet frustrating simultaneously.

I was examining an elderly patient, a "regular" of the hospital. He had relocated himself and his family 8 years ago from South Africa. His wife was British.

"Are you from China?" he asked me casually, while I was going through the routine.

"No," I replied curtly, with lingering distaste. I never particularly liked being asked that question.

"Good. So you are not a Chinese spy..." He was referring indirectly to the recent report of a young Chinese diplomat and his family seeking political asylum from the Australian Immigration Department after defecting from his post in the Chinese Embassy. I could almost sense the subtle contempt and ridicule beneath his chuckle.

I continued to ignore him and carried on with my examination.

"So where did you come from?" He could not contain his curiosity any further.

"I am from Singapore." I answered with immensed pride in my tone.

The following remarks from his wife jolted me, sending shivers from my spine.

"So you are not a Singaporean spy, I hope..."

Duh...*shaking head in disbelief*

"Prejudice, not being founded on reason, cannot be removed by argument." -Samuel Johnson, English poet, Critic, Writer 1709-1784

Counting Down

Counting down...one more month to go...I am so excited!

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who tries to rationalise emotions."

Dance

"It is the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.
It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.
It is the one who will not be taken who cannot seem to give.
And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live."

Beautiful quote...

Well, I just thought of dancing, out of the blue. I have never learned how to dance and was definitely hesitant to do so, for fear of embarrassment and failure. I love watching ballet and ballroom dancing, green with envy, as the dancers glide across the rooms with elegant poise and grace, like the swans in the lake. I never thought I was talented in it and would not have even considered it as part of my curriculum. My last remote memory of a dance which I had participated would have been more than a decade ago when I was in college, representing my nation in a Taiwanese Immersion Programme. That was quite an experience though.

But now, my heart is literally dancing! I think I am in love!

"To be fond of dancing is a certain step towards falling in love."
(Jane Austen, 1775-1817)

I plucked up the courage and poured out my feelings for Him. Such boldness and intensity stunned and amazed even myself. I would never have done that back home.

There is no regret. We reach a deeper and more affectionate level of understanding and respect for each other. Emotions overflow and there is reassurance. And everyone in the workplace was wondering why I was grinning from ear to ear. The moment was so special. Romance and all...

"We should dance like nobody's watching, and love like it's never going to hurt."

Hmmm...maybe I should take up ballroom dancing...perhaps with Him?

Sniff...Sniff...

Today is one important day for my longtime good pal, a lovely girl whom I have known since the tender age of 15. She is finally exchanging vows with her sweetheart, one who will hopefully cherish and love her for the rest of his life. He should have been one of the luckiest man on earth.

I wrote about her in January this year, under "Blessings". And my blessings never ceased flowing after that.

We met up a few times back home, where I returned to the embrace of my loved ones in February. That was the first time when I had the great honour of meeting her knight in shining armour (he's a huge one, alright). My happiness for her was overflowing and heartfelt, for they looked so loving and compatible together, the similar radiance and bliss glowing from their cheeks which spoke immense volumes of their affections for each other.

I called up one of my "kakis" on her mobile, while she was on her way to the dinner. It was simply exhilarating, if not euphoric, hearing an old friend's voice again, familiar and brimming with sincere care and concern. And with the wonders of radiation technology, I managed to send my regards to every one of my ex-high school mates who were present at the wedding, while attempting to soak in the joyous occasion despite not being physically available. I would be craning my neck daily, awaiting the pictures to be emailed to me, of the whole bunch cradling the bride, and "me" represented by my friend's mobile held significantly conspicious in the photo shoot as well. That would have been so nostalgic.

The bride, I heard, was stunning in her bridal gown. Yes, I can imagine her resembling a beautiful princess, wearing her dimpled smile and exuding charm from every single pore.

"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems so short"- Andre Maurois (French Biographer, Novelist and Essayist, 1885-1967)

Perhaps I should tell Him how much I feel for Him as well...

No Regrets

Yes, I have come so far....absolutely no regrets to my unbelievable attainment at this stage.

I am the only Asian-cum-Chinese amongst my colleagues and allied staff in the general ward now, not counting the isolated part-timers downstairs in the Emergency department. Most of them have not been to the Pacific region, let alone our miniscule "red dot on the map" country. Except maybe our impressive Changi Airport during their transits, whose magnificence and cleanliness never failed to do us proud.

Hence, I have become an unwitting ambassador for the nation and the region. And I am dignified and privileged to be one. There may have been longstanding grouses and unpleasant memories back home that partially pushed me to this foreign land, but I will not denounce my nationality and roots under any circumstances. And I pretty much believe that all those imbeciled ingrates from our neighbouring countries who had unfortunately leeched on our resources for so long, and later turned their backs on their nurturing land with immatured tongue lashes should be mercilessly condemned to eternal hell and no-return. Call me judgemental and rigid, but I am utterly serious about it.

The cultural exchanges are truly fascinating. We share our backgrounds and experiences, our upbringing and beliefs. We all have a common ground, which is to find our respective niches and to constantly reinvent ourselves to adapt to the new environment. I have learned more about the Irish and Norwegian way of life, the Aussies who have come from different parts of the state, and even identified with the similar training processes for the medical students, who are very culturally diversified as well.

And the hospital, situated up on a hill, overlooking the breathtaking lake and its granduer, is a god-sent haven to work at. I had come with a defined purpose to experience an alternative lifestyle, and gained more than I had bargained for.

Not forgetting Him and his imperfections, which I am slowly learning to see beyond and be vulnerable.

Looking back at my days in medical school more than a decade ago, the one major setback that I encountered had inevitably formed an indellible mark on my life, and an enduring undesirable influence in my heart, which till this day, I am still sadly unable to muster enough strength and courage to confront and accept. I am still in denial in every sense and am running away from it. It was escapism that brought me here, and I am amazed how the twist of life had shaped my future in a totally unexpected way. It would have been so predictable if the past had been different.

I am truly satisfied now. The challenges of searching for my very own apartment in Sydney and the moving on to a completely new complexity of life and society certainly are daunting enough. But I am confident and hopeful this time. No longer the little girl who flies home crying to the embrace of her parents and friends.

I have been tested and polished, and am now growing, creating and blooming. Wish me luck!

Chat with God

God : Hello. Did you call me?

Me : Called you? No.. who is this?

God : This is GOD. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.

Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something.

God : What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.

Me : Don't know. But I can't find free time. Life has become hectic.It's rush hour all the time.

God : Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results.Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.

Me : I understand. But I still can't figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant messaging chat.

God : Well I wanted to resolve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity.In this net era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.

Me : Tell me, why has life become complicated now?

God : Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.

Me : Why are we then constantly unhappy?

God : Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday.You are worrying because you are analyzing.Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.

Me : But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?

God : Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.

Me : But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty ....

God : Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Me : If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?

God : Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire.Good people go through trials, but don't suffer.With that experience, their life become better not bitter.

Me : You mean to say such experience is useful?

God : Yes. In every terms, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

Me : But still, why should we go through such tests? Why can't we be free from problems?

God : Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength.Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.

Me : Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are heading....

God : If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.

Me : Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do?

God : Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead.You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.

Me : In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

God : Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.

Me : What surprises you about people?

God : When they suffer they ask, "why me?" When they prosper, they never ask "Why me?" Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.

Me : Sometimes I ask, who am I, why am I here? I can't get the answer.

God : Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.

Me : How can I get the best out of life?

God : Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.

Me : One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

God : There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.

Me : Thank you for this wonderful chat. I am so happy to start the New Year with a new sense of inspiration.

God : Well ........ keep the faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust Me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.