Failure

I was approached by one of my most respected consultant in the hospital while doing a ward round two days ago.

"I heard about your exam...it's all luck...you should try again...you know so much...you should never give up..."

A very short comment, yet spoken with such strong affirmation and confidence.

My heart fluttered for a second, then sank again to the bottomless pit. Despite this, I smiled at him and reassured him: "Thank you, Dr M...I'll try again next year..."

Up till then, I had been depressed, despondent and angry. I thought I had toughened. After all, I have dealt with failures of all sorts. Failed relationships... failed exams, including a major one while at university, throwing me into the deepest abyss in my life and teaching me all about humility and reality of life. But nothing quite prepared me for this one, a long while since I last took any exam. Honestly, I should have been more mentally prepared for the worst, as I had been distracted with other social events during the studying period and I was not in my best state of mind on that crucial day.

But I was angry because I had to go through this again. I asked God: "Why am I so unlucky in this life? Why is nothing ever going smoothly for me? Why do I have to go through so many bumps and humps? Why can't I be as fortunately as those bitchy people whom I know but hate? Why is it that there is nothing I can look forward to right now, not even in my relationship? Why do I have to deal with so much s***?...."

Perhaps it was one of those hiccups in my relationship at the same time that accentuated my sense of gloom, the feeling that I am being taken for granted and my perpetuating dissent towards his parents. Or perhaps it was my own uncertainty about the whole affair, that we are not meant to be together because of all the hardships that I foresee will happen in the future.

My mind is a roller-coaster right now. There was a lot of encouragement and support from my consultants (especially the charming young Greek gastroenterologist) and peers at the workplace right now, and that propelled me to reconsider sitting for the exams again. My parents are here by my side and I should be thankful that they are in the pink of health and able to enjoy the fruits of their labour.

Maybe I should stop thinking about the failure...

The credit belongs to the people who are actually in the arena;
whose faces are marred by dust and sweat and blood,
who strive valiantly;
who errand come short again and again;
who know the great enthusiasms,the great devotions, and spend themselves in worthy causes;
who, at the best, know in the end the triumph of high achievement;
and who, at the worst, if they fail, at least fail while daring greatly,
so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls
who know neither victory nor defeat.
- Theodore Roosevelt