Earth

I finally have my feet firmly planted on the ground now.

I guess being in a more stable working environment where every acquainted soul is an angel does help a dozen to make a delightful difference. Despite the long unearthly hours, it is an immense pleasure contributing to the system and those patients in need.

And I have learned to live the present once again. No more of laborously counting down the number of days and hours when I will eventually pack my bag for the glitsy city life. Yes, I still crane my neck for that, but time is equally precious now. I am resuming my adrenaline-pumping and endorphin-elevating walking exercises by the beautiful lake and have hit the books once more. I have read and studied so much in the last 2 weeks that it could have been done over the last few months since I was here.

"If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that God loves his children. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity." - The Alchemist

Perhaps an earthy romance on the way has subtlely lifted my spirits and optimism? It is like having little love roots sprouting out from each of my toes and firmly grounding me to earth. It is crystal clear who he is and what he would be like, but is it poised to bloom and bear fruit? For some unexplained reason, I am hopeful this time.

Mixed Feelings

Come to think of it, maybe I should give him another chance?

It is terribly wrong of me to be superficial. Physical appearance and social status or wealth are not the golden rules in a successful and long-lasting relationship. It has to be the personality and chemistry that matter, isn't it?

But then again, there must be some initial physical attraction to ignite the dazzling spark.

So he only fulfills a pathetic 2 out of my 4 prerequisite criteria: Humble and quiet....ok, maybe tall as well, but actually 5cm short of the ideal height.

I do detect some sort of chemistry though. We can talk for an hour on the phone, reminiscing our lives, sharing our hobbies and interests, and finding out more minute details about each other during our conversations.

And I am absolutely charmed by his reassuring tone of voice, his unassuming Ozzie accent, and his exuding charisma in it. I think that is indeed the main alluring factor.

His comforting and encouraging words upon hearing my grouses and setbacks here, and his empathy for my feelings are true assets in our friendship. Somehow he does resemble 2 of my closer male friends back home who were, once upon a time, hot in their pursuits as well.

A good pal of mine who can probably read my confused mind like a reflecting mirror now did remind me last night in a frank and merciless way: "Beggars cannot be choosers." I have found a priceless soulmate, who is actively learning how to cook for me and will probably worship the ground I tread on. So why am I still hesitating?

I think I will give it a shot. Perhaps I truly need a distraction and a new direction.

Hiccup

Eh-hem.....(clearing my throat)....

Well, the thick growing suspense has finally ended. No more mystery as the dishes present themselves. The hidden profiles and the weekly chats, though alluringly appetizing right at the beginning, were merely walls of facades. The blossoms on my face and the heat of the spring fever are starting to sizzle off like the rising chimney smoke.

Fate, as I predicted, has intervened my love life once again with its devilish trick, punctuating it with yet another smack on the face. I am now back to the old days of my seemingly happy singlehood, waiting with bated breath for the arrival of the next menu of romance.

I will move on.

Forgive or Forget?

As we watched the heated progress of the three-week long street protests in the major cities of China over the blatant attempt by the Japanese government to downplay their past acts of war brutalities through their approval of a falsified nationalist textbook, I was reminded unwittingly of a conversation that I had when I first arrived in Oz.

I was then idealistic but baffled and dismayed by the unexplained hostilities of the locals during my course of work. The explanation by one of the consultants over a casual dinner turned out to be rather surprising and poignant.

"A lot of the elderly folks here had been through World War II and fought the Japanese. Naturally they do hate them to a certain extent. And they may be guarded against you because to them, you may look Japanese, even if you are not."

Such was the impact of the war on those individuals and perhaps even their descendents.

I myself had heard of countless wartime stories from my living grandmother since I was a child, as she recounted in detail how my smart-aleck grandpa who was a school principal then had to disguise himself as a hawker as the Japanese judiciously seived out and murdered the educationists.

She would describe the intensed fear and palpitations when she accidentally bumped into two Japanese soldiers along the corridors, who eventually chose to walk away instead of raping and torturing her.

Our exposures to those unbelievably horrible aspects of the Japanese Occupations included the history lessons we had in school, my numerous visits to China and significantly Nanking which bore the most horrific annihilations, and the movies galore that featured the graphic details of such atrocities. The direct accounts of survivors and their procreations through books and novels provided further evidences that would be hard to erase.

I am not surprised at all by the pent-up anger and frustrations of the tens of thousands of demonstrators in China, though personally I am not an advocate of violence. But I fully understand their feelings and purpose, and my heart reaches out to all the past victims and their families. Emotionally we would have been on common grounds.

What I feel truly ironical was the attempted bid by the Japanese government to obtain a permanent seat at the UN Security Council and its supposed support by the major world powers other than China. Who could have forgotten the devastasting and humiliating defeat of the famous Pearl Harbour in United States that led to its retaliation and eventual surrender of the predators?

The vindictive visits by the ministers to the controversial war shrines only fuelled more contempt and disgust to the whole saga, crushing any chance of forgiveness of their sins.

It is indeed time for them to face up to the past.

Anger

I need to confront this today: Anger.

It has become the predominance of my emotions since the beginning of this year. And currently so over the last few weeks.

I was angry with myself for being myopic and naive when dealing with those complex "friends" in Sydney.

I was angry with the administrative department for screwing my rosters and wasting my 6 months here.

I was angry with that admin b**** for making my life miserable during my medical rotation.

I was angry with the medical senior staff for being self-centered and not standing up for our rights.

I was angry with my colleagues for being hostile and unappreciative of my help at work.

I was angry with my friend here for being mean to me during my most vulnerable moments.

I was angry with my friend back home for not treating our friendship with more respect and trust.

I was angry with Him for being rigid and not calling me more frequently.

I was angry with Him for being guarded and not telling me more, keeping me in dreaded suspense about his life.

I am still angry with Him now.

My grandma used to tell me when I was young: "When you get angry, some of your cells die and you live shorter."

I am trying to control my emotions.

"Anger is a thief that steals away even the nicest moments."

Sweet Nothings

Hmmm....

I am experiencing ripples emotionally. Not the roller-coaster type, but something more saccharine and endearing.

Maybe it is the Ozzie or westernised way of expressing adoration. But the unanticipated text message did brighten up my otherwise lack-lustre life, and create some sort of unexplained bliss in me. I could not wipe that blushful smile off my face for the whole entire day.

And I haven't even met him! His soothing voice and calm mannerism over the phone has however charmed me sufficiently. The quiet, humble type....though slightly guarded...and the stunned silence on the other end when I was in the merciless teasing mood....;)

I'll take each day as it comes. Fate, as always, has played tricks on my destiny and love life.

Unfathomable

The subdued wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla became the highlight yesterday, as we sat glued to the TV watching the live broadcast of the somewhat undesirable event.

This is just unfathomable. The imperfect union, compared to his endearing pairing with the late Princess Diana. The illicit affair of 34 years and the enduring wait. The love between them was indeed touching, but of course at the cruel expense of the loved ones around them.

But who am I to comment or pass any judgement?

I never know what love is. Or perhaps more specifically, love for a man. I can feel the intensity of my love for my family, but I haven't actually let myself love anyone else.

"Love comes unseen; we only see it go"

I did not have a hard time finding someone to love me. I could sense the frustration and despair in I** as well as my other dates in the past. Even some of my current male friends and colleagues, whom I could detect a tinge of interest and flirtation in them.

But it's just me. And my imperfections. My innate inferiority complex. My seemingly false facade of disinterest. My stubborn quest for the most perfect one and nothing lesser than that. I have let too many opportunities slip before my eyes. This is perhaps my curse and my retribution.

I need to learn to see an imperfect person perfectly. I have to throw away my criteria list. I should think more about the other person than about his reactions to me. I have to reveal myself fully in front of him. Love comes only when I dare to be vulnerable.

But would that person ever come? Or maybe someone whom I have let go in the past, reappearing again?

I can't fathom myself sometimes.

Lifeline

I have worked for that many years but had never thought I would be left in a position to take charge and treat my own professional colleague in a major setting. Yes, I have attended to my medical friends' sick kid during my stint at the Paediatrics Emergency department but definitely not someone who was a way lot older, wiser and more experienced than I was.

I received a page from a consultant/attending during one of those less harrowing shifts: "Emm***** is coming down to the emergency. He had chest pain and his troponin is 0.74......" My brain was in a blurry haze. Emm*****? Who is he?.....Oh. Yes. I've met him once. He was so nice, kind and helpful.....Oh dear, he had AMI (acute myocardial infarct)!

As random thoughts raced through my mind, I informed my partner in action (who was really another kindred spirit from Sri Lanka) and we waited in the department for him with anticipation. Soon after, he strolled in, wearing his wide comforting smile as always. After the initial greetings, he gave us a brief history of events that led to his arrival here.

"I feel perfect now. I don't want to be admitted."

We understood. Nobody liked admission. Especially doctors. We knew what it would be like. What we would have to go through. It has been natural and routine for us being at the service, but it would be a hell lot of difference being at the receiving end. Doctors are always in denial and are often the worst patients themselves.

"Let's do an ECG first." I broke the ice and directed him to one of the resuscitation beds. Everyone came rallying around him, hooking up the BP and cardiac monitor, placing the ECG leads on his chest and limbs.

His blood pressure was alarmingly high, given his past history of hypertension. There were traces of mild ST elevations in the anterior leads which he claimed to be similar to the repolarization changes that he has had in previous ECGs.

We felt awkward. We needed to examine him physically. Would he mind a younger female colleague, who probably could have passed off as his daughter's age, auscultating his chest? His wife, who was a non-medic, was visibly worried and despaired, and we could only try to console her as much as we could.

Thankfully we were "rescued" with the timely arrival of our contemporary cardiology advanced trainee who expedited the whole management process and eventually arranged for his admission to the CCU, with the provisional diagnosis of NSTEMI. I had to cannulate both his hands for the heparin and nitrate infusions, in preparation for his cardiac catheterisation the following day. It was perhaps one of my most apprehensive and stressful moments of cannulation ever. And with God's grace, they were successful and minimally uncomfortable.

I did not follow up on his progress, as I believe he would be under good hands from an experienced cardiologist. I prayed for his speedy recovery and strength of will for him and his family. And of course, as a "new kid on the block" in this institution, I hope to be able to benefit some day from his valuable teachings and wisdom, with a special meaning and satisfaction.

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."
- Lao Tzu, Chinese Taoist philosopher, b 600 BC

Sneaks

Tsskk...heard Asian/Aussie whisperings behind my back at the emergency department yesterday regarding an unconventional management of a patient with uncontrolled diabetes. Or rather, the ENDOCRINOLOGIST's protocol, conveyed to me via the phone as I informed her about this patient. And she was apparently the EXPERT in diabetes mellitus in the hospital.

It was a thankless and frustrating job for us sometimes, having to review patients for the consultants/attendings who were on call and act as a reluctant bridge between the ED and the medical department. And to be subjected to the merciless scrutiny of the "brilliant" young registrars from ED and other specialties, and bearing with the impatient tones on the other side of the phone when we called our attendings at 11pm disturbing their sleep...

And of course the sneaky whispers and mousy gossips which perhaps were integral of the culture or upbringing here? Anyway, homosapiens....

On a lighter note, I sneaked upon a love quiz on a fellow UK-trained surgical trainee's blogsite: www.blogthings.com/whatsyourlovestylequiz/

Geesh...not that I swear my life upon this. And I am surprised it came from him, with all that eccentricity and idiosyncracy in him.

Anyway, I am a PRAGMA, based on its evaluation. In other words, I have got to meet the PERFECT MAN at the end of the day. Sounds tough.