Conscience

I am so confused. And apprehensive. I ought to be happy, but I am not. I am feeling really unsettled.

I have my doubts again, about Him and our relationship. I should be thinking about his various good points and accept his flaws and imperfections, just as much as he is doing for me. But time and again, he irritated me with his notions, which he perceived acceptable in his country, and time and again, I had told him that this was not within MY culture or my upbringing. I should not be arguing with him over the phone because this will only cause a bigger rift between us, which already is created by the existing long distance.

My parents and friends had warned me: "Open your eyes and observe carefully...", "You should dump him now, before things get out of control...", "Don't rush, take your time...", "You really deserve someone better, especially with your qualities..."

I am trying to be fair to him and not be judgemental like most of my folks in Singaland. The very thought of breaking up with him or leaving him for good will fill my lacrimal ducts with flooded tears, at any moment and time of the day, even while working. Have I caught the dreaded depression bug? I have sunk too deeply into this abyss of love and it is just too difficult to leap out of it now.

And I am fearful. Of repercussions. At the prospects of giving my career and reputation here to be with him in Perth. I know people here are going to be unhappy. I am still wondering how to tell them. I should be thankful that I have found a more fulfilling position elsewhere. It is just my conscience.

I wish I have less conscience and heart at this stage.

"It is easier to cope with a bad conscience than with a bad reputation."

Tired?

I do feel tired. Despite having survived 5 arduous years of lengthy 30-odd hours of on-calls back home, at least 4 times monthly, sometimes without sleep in between, I still get pretty cranky whenever I have to deal with another evening shift or off-site call nowadays. Even though they are heaps less hectic, with shorter hours. Not withstanding the grossly pathetic renumerations that come with them. I think my stamina is truly draining dramatically and my aged cells shrivelling with apoptosis.

I told Him I wouldn't mind being a housewife. I'd rather be at home manhandling four tyranny brats (if it even included the male origin of their Y-chromosomes), than to wait with dreaded anticipation for the nuisance beeps or phone calls from the hospital. We medics all share a similar sentiment: We just feel like smashing those damned ringing machines against the walls most of the time.

He said I will be bored to death at home. Then I will start having wild imaginations, strange misconceptions and unsubstantiated suspicions about Him. And there will be endless arguments and domestic fights...he will end up sleeping on the couch in the living room...No, no, he said, "You need to work!"

My mum just reiterated the above during our conversation. You should work for at least another two years, she said, when my neurons are still wired and my cortex not atrophied. Darn, for once, I think my mum and boyfriend are going to get along well for the same cause.

I ought to be thankful that I am in the pink of health and still capable of contributing to society and mankind. An ex-classmate from medical school, now a proud father of three and a newly-groomed psychiatrist, advised me two years ago: "Never say you are tired and need a rest. I said that and it really happened; Struck with a spinal tumour, requiring surgery and radiotherapy...more than ample rest in the last 6 months! So, always be grateful that God wants you to work." His words held weighted truth and wisdom.

So here I am, counting my lucky stars, that I have been blessed with valuable job opportunities in the beautiful land of Oz, and having met my gem and greatest love here.

What's there to complain? The beepers or mobiles can carry on shrieking. At least I know I am not deaf!

Smiles

I can never forget those smiles on His face. They were so precious. For someone who does not smile that often, those were priceless. It must have been the flora in the gardens and the waters in the ocean. The alluring beauty of nature...and of course, my very mere presence!

And I have been smiling a lot too, he said. The coy saccharine blush on my cheeks when our eyes met at the airport, and the plastered grins exuding bliss in the pictures...yes, we managed to capture all that in the camera.

There was no rationale. Our minds were blank, not thinking. Emotions overruled. Our hearts were light, pure and complete. Burning with passion and romance. And yes, we are still smiling this very moment. We simply cannot wipe them off our faces.

"Somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile."

Walks

I love walking. I always enjoy it. Whether it is scurrying or window-shopping in the malls, or along the lakes and oceans, basking in the warm summer breeze. It fills me with serenity of the mind and sensuality of my physical sense.

And I am no longer alone. I have found Him, who relishes the adrenaline-flowing activity too. Not too vigorous for our over-thirty year old physiques, but sufficient for some endorphin stimulation.

They are walks through our emotions and memories. They will become an integral part of our lives living together. The firm grips of our hands, with our fingers strongly interlocked, transcend our bodies with warmth and affection, despite the constant cool caress from the spring climate.

We talk about every molecule and atom on earth. Like our daily phone conversations, which can smash a record high of 5 hours on certain days. Food, people, work, feelings, family, friends, interests, movies, our past, present and future...it is amazing how intricately connected our minds and souls are. Walks will never be a bore again.

We search actively for the rainbows, the symbols of hope and miracle for us. We admire and appreciate God's wonderful art pieces, in the form of the cloudy blots and whiffs in the clear blue sky. We spot a few speckles of celestial stars shimmering in the alluring moonlight. It is so great to be alive and live the moment with the loved one.

Walks are never the same for us again, because we have found each other and will always treasure that gift of love.

"The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention."

Calm

With the passing of the storm came the descent of calm and serenity of emotions. Once again, the clarity of the mind was overpowered by the tenderness of the heart.

The love poems and the surprise bouquet of roses at the workplace did their tricks.

I am surrendering. Succumbed to the vulnerabilities of this powerful thing called love again...

"The heart has reasons that reason cannot understand."

It Hurts

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart, and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it.

They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you.

It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness. So simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind.

It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love."

Long-distance relationship is such an emotionally draining and costly process. My well of tears has been exhausted, and my heart numbed and void.

I am really tempted to call it quits, to cool it off now.

Really tempted....

Balance

Chaos, chaos!

Sirening ambulances charging at high speed into head-on traffic, on the pretext that the patients were dying in their tanks!

Traffic slowed down painfully due to a singleton vehicle parked along the left lane by its selfish owner, leaving only one remaining pathetic lane for usage!

Drivers honking impatiently and not signalling appropriately when turning corners!

Old cracked roads designed in haphazard fashions, confusing our tired minds even more!

Nightmarish journeys through the city lines!

Why did I even fall in love with this city in the first place?!

***
A former woodcutter, now a geriatric patient in the ward, was opening up ten packets of sugar, while preparing his cuppa tea. A concerned male nurse of Korean descent told him politely that it would not be good for his health.

"F*** off, you bloody Wog! Go back to your own country!" His abrupt outburst stunned everyone in the dining room, hurting the well-meaning nurse tremendously. A serious warning was issued to him about such derogatory racial slurs.

History repeated itself today, this time with insults targeted towards a gentle elderly Romanian at the adjacent bed.

A leopard can never change its spots. Dementia was perhaps his only plausible excuse.

***
"Why can't the world unite? Why is there discrimination in this universe? Why are people so mean to their own human race?..."

Such were the woeful laments of Mr W.F, a melancholic gentleman in his late seventies and a true-blue Ozzie, from day one of his admission to the hospital. His mission in this life was to uphold justice, help our mankind and address grievances of the less fortunate. Tears welled in his eyes as he spoke of the numerous sufferings of the Aborigines and the sexual discrimination faced by his female colleagues in the past. He did not view himself as being pessimistic or depressed. He believed with strong convictions that the world can be salvaged one day.

Can we change the world, I asked him.

***
I think we need a balance.

"There is no austerity equal to a balanced mind, no happiness equal to contentment, no disease like covetousness, and no virtue like mercy."