Conscience

I am so confused. And apprehensive. I ought to be happy, but I am not. I am feeling really unsettled.

I have my doubts again, about Him and our relationship. I should be thinking about his various good points and accept his flaws and imperfections, just as much as he is doing for me. But time and again, he irritated me with his notions, which he perceived acceptable in his country, and time and again, I had told him that this was not within MY culture or my upbringing. I should not be arguing with him over the phone because this will only cause a bigger rift between us, which already is created by the existing long distance.

My parents and friends had warned me: "Open your eyes and observe carefully...", "You should dump him now, before things get out of control...", "Don't rush, take your time...", "You really deserve someone better, especially with your qualities..."

I am trying to be fair to him and not be judgemental like most of my folks in Singaland. The very thought of breaking up with him or leaving him for good will fill my lacrimal ducts with flooded tears, at any moment and time of the day, even while working. Have I caught the dreaded depression bug? I have sunk too deeply into this abyss of love and it is just too difficult to leap out of it now.

And I am fearful. Of repercussions. At the prospects of giving my career and reputation here to be with him in Perth. I know people here are going to be unhappy. I am still wondering how to tell them. I should be thankful that I have found a more fulfilling position elsewhere. It is just my conscience.

I wish I have less conscience and heart at this stage.

"It is easier to cope with a bad conscience than with a bad reputation."