Unfathomable

The subdued wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla became the highlight yesterday, as we sat glued to the TV watching the live broadcast of the somewhat undesirable event.

This is just unfathomable. The imperfect union, compared to his endearing pairing with the late Princess Diana. The illicit affair of 34 years and the enduring wait. The love between them was indeed touching, but of course at the cruel expense of the loved ones around them.

But who am I to comment or pass any judgement?

I never know what love is. Or perhaps more specifically, love for a man. I can feel the intensity of my love for my family, but I haven't actually let myself love anyone else.

"Love comes unseen; we only see it go"

I did not have a hard time finding someone to love me. I could sense the frustration and despair in I** as well as my other dates in the past. Even some of my current male friends and colleagues, whom I could detect a tinge of interest and flirtation in them.

But it's just me. And my imperfections. My innate inferiority complex. My seemingly false facade of disinterest. My stubborn quest for the most perfect one and nothing lesser than that. I have let too many opportunities slip before my eyes. This is perhaps my curse and my retribution.

I need to learn to see an imperfect person perfectly. I have to throw away my criteria list. I should think more about the other person than about his reactions to me. I have to reveal myself fully in front of him. Love comes only when I dare to be vulnerable.

But would that person ever come? Or maybe someone whom I have let go in the past, reappearing again?

I can't fathom myself sometimes.