Dilemma

As I sank into depression, panged with extremed homesickness and tossing the idea of packing my bags, a good friend here advised me to list down the pros and cons of staying versus leaving. I spent countless nights sorting out my random thoughts.

Reasons why I should stay:

i) My current term may have sucked and I have to endure this for another 3 months. But my potential job at the glittering city of Sydney in my area of interest offers new hope with flooding opportunities and possibly valuable training. The prospects of being a specialist there is indeed enticing. Once back home, I would be giving up my dream of specialising and settling down with a mundane but established and hopefully flourishing GP career.

ii) My very initial purpose for relocation was to get away from the hustle and bustle of the hectic life, as well as the monotonous routines that I have lived with for at least the past 5 years. Having armed myself with years of working experience and training, and not having a family (ie a husband and kids), this is perhaps the best time for me to experience an alternative lifestyle and find a comfortable niche for myself hopefully.

iii) Being a laidback individual in every sense, I like to do things at my own pace, including passing exams. I am frankly tired of the rat race of having to fulfill my tour of duty by a certain age which would be deemed conventional and conforming. Being a GP itself is a respectful and decent career, but unfortunately sometimes looked upon by other "more prestigious" specialties with condescent and disdain. The different outlook of life and culture here would have been more suitable for me.

iv) The above would have applied to my social life as well. As much as I would have loved to settle down and have 3 kids like my contemporaries back home, I feel that it is beyond my control and I would prefer to let nature take its course. Unfortunately our Asian culture and society in general have been rather harsh with the singles, who frequently become the talk of the town, government concerns and even the theme of our local movie production. This is one aspect which I will never approve of and is a major push factor for me. We should be left alone to lead our own lives and be recognised for our contributions to society rather than our marriage status.

v) The increasing prevalence of elitism in my cohort is stifling and superficial, as is its existence in most Asian societies and perhaps even our British contemporaries. The constant shallow chasings for higher social status, more monetary wealth and trophy spouses to add on to the glamour, erode all sincerity and encourage fair-weather and materialistic alliances. It is not all that perfect here among my few Asian friends but to a much lesser and horrendous degree.

vi) Everyone noticed the healthy glow on my cheeks and lesser dark eye rings when I returned for a break. The soothing weather here has done justice for my physical well-being, coupled with greater opportunities to do outdoor exercises. The hazy pollution and humid climate back home was indeed smothering and asthma-inducing. I find it ridiculous having to pay for a gastronomous gym membership just to keep our adrenalines pumping.

vii) The patients here are generally more pleasant to treat. They are less ignorant and tend to know their conditions well. Although I did encounter difficulties initially with communication, this has since improved and I am able to build satisfactory doctor-patient relationships with majority of them. There is a certain level of trust, which sadly is slowly fading within my own cohort. The numerous and senseless 6-paged complaint letters that my colleagues back home had received were put-offs and shameful.

viii) I have been here for only 8 months. It would be a loser of me to quit and leave now. I need to give myself and Oz another chance. It is a training ground for me in terms of life experiences and independence. I had given myself a trying period of 2 years initially. Perhaps things may turn out better....

Reasons why I should leave:

1) Homesickness is the foremost and heaviest pull factor. My parents are the love of my life now and I am striken with a deep sense of guilt for not spending more time with them as they go through the golden years of their lives. I felt so loved and at home when I was back with them, in my comfort zone, where everything was so familiar and convenient.

2) I treasure and appreciate my friends back home even more. The very few ones who know where I am now, their undying support and encouragement for me, and their precious attention for me when I was back, were testimonies of how fortunate I ought to feel. My social arena here is miserable but there are a few deep friendships that have been made and hopefully will last. Of course there is a fair share of nasty or superficial encounters both at home and here, which I reckon would exist everywhere as long as there are homosapiens.

3) Working life has not been a bed of roses for me recently. I was introduced to the concept of racism, with the worst spate over the last 2 months. The tide has subsided but the bitterness lingered and the scar deep-seated and unerasable. I am unable to feel any commitment towards my job at this moment, and am counting down the days when my current contract would end so that I can move on. There is no inspiration and substantial learning opportunities for me now and I do not feel any form of security nor sense of being valued as a trainee here. The politics amongst my colleagues are also unbecoming and excessive.

4) In monetary sense, I am losing a fair amount of income here, though it probably correlates to the amount (or less) of worktime that I am putting in as well. As a GP in downtown private practice back home, I would have made a fortune by now and established a name and reputation hopefully. And I have full confidence of achieving that if I am determined. The costs of living are perhaps similar at both countries, though I would more likely be laden with debts to afford a new car and a house in Singaland, which I hope may be partially obliterated if I do earn my first million by the next 2 years.

5) Safety is one aspect which I had taken for granted back in Singaland. Despite repeated reassurances, I harbour a fear of living alone or going out at night, in view of the prevalence of petty crimes and weekend drunkards here, which of course is uncomparable to the complexity of Sydney city. I do feel vulnerable floating all by myself here in the deep ocean and can only pray for God's blessings.

6) Finally, I hate this place. Specifically where I am staying now. Not other parts of Oz yet, since they would have been more urbane and closer to home. I do not have good feelings about the residents here. Most of them have not travelled out of their state and are thus narrow-minded and conservative. They do not welcome foreigners or other races. Usually they are superficially friendly. Sometimes they are simply hostile. Their attitude and behaviour put haloes on my own countrymen. I dread going out of my house at all. It is daunting being outnumbered. As an old pal had put it: "Beneath the greener pasture is a pile of deeper shit." I can't help but agree to this.

7) Time is precious and I am aging by another year in April. Should I waste more time here feeling miserable or go back home with no regrets. Life is short, so shouldn't I make the best out of it? And time with my parents....isn't it more fulfilling spending it with them than with myself?

I need enlightenment at this stage. I want to be happy where I would be.

"When it comes to the future, there are 3 types of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened." (John M. Richardson, Jr)