Regret.Closure.

I never liked mentioning about my love life. Because I don't think I have one at all. Not in the last boring thirty years of my life. Even my parents were baffled: "What's wrong with you? You are not ugly or stupid. Did you scare the guys off somehow? Or are you too choosy?" I could not give them a satisfactory answer. I conveniently attributed it to FATE (or lack of it).

There is one regret in my life. I did meet The One, or maybe so I think, though my parents and close friends would have disagreed. I found myself sharing more about it with my colleague and new friends recently. Perhaps it is time that I release the bottled vent and seek a final closure to this unattainable relationship.

His name is I.L.. We met in our first year of medical school at the tender age of 19. He never quite stood out among the 120 Y-chromosomes in my class of 150, though he was tall (a towering 1.8m by Asian standard) and bashfully handsome. He studied in RJC and played basketball fervently. He was quiet and humble, both desirable qualities which took me 12 lengthy years to appreciate and now yearn for in my criteria list. He would have been every girl's dream boy at that age.

He had noticed me right from the start. I was not sure if it was love at first sight for him, since there was a fair share of outstandingly beautiful and intelligent girls in my class (including a stunning university beauty queen). But he made the valiant first move and asked me out for a date. I was caught by surprise and truly flattered. It was the first serious date for both of us. I remember we had western meal at Holland Village, looking young and radiant, inviting pleasing smiles from the waitresses serving us. Our first movie was pathetically unromantic (I think it was Jurassic Park) because I had watched Sleepless in Seattle with a gal friend. He was extremely disappointed. He thought I was dating someone else. I would have watched it a hundred times with him now if I could turn back the clock.

Nevertheless we spent much time together for a few months, with lots of blessings from our concerned classmates. He would drive down to my hostel frequently and we would hang out at the very isolated Ginza Plaza near our university. We took long walks at the park next to Alkaff Mansion and shared about our family and friends. He told me about his Peranakan stockbroker father whom he loved dearly, his high-flying half Japanese-half Taiwanese mother who was fear-striking with streaks of violence in her, and his young but very tall 12 year-old sister whom he adored. He did not have a happy childhood despite having been born with a silver spoon in his mouth. His unloving mother had told him when he was young that she did not like him but would raise him anyway only because he was her son. He was very much affected by her words. He grew up playing with the expatriates' children in his neighbourhood, hence adopting a quaint American accent. He said I was beautiful in his eyes. He would tell me to follow my passion and do what I was good at, not what society expected of me. He believed I would excel in the field of Medicine in whatever specialty I choose later. His faith in me was immeasurable.

He gave me all his heart and sincerity. I was the wilful one. I was too distracted by my other classmates who showered me with much attention as well. I could not find anything in common with him, interests and family background likewise. Our conversation topics ran dry and I had difficulty sharing my innermost feelings with him. There was no romantic glow or fluttering heart. I was looking for a soulmate, someone whom I could connect with, and he was lacking in that. He had become insecured and assumed I was two-timing him. We grew apart with each day.

He had heaps of admirers from other faculties, particularly the Business Administrative. One day, around Christmas time, he decided to bring one of them to the class party. I was down with a flu and could not turn up. My closer friends disclosed it and he called me up. He did not explain himself and I did not probe. Our relationship came to a halt abruptly. I hated Christmas from then on and never celebrated it for a long time.

We met again 5 years later during my internship at TTSH. We were doing a General Medicine night call together one day. He sat me down, treated me to a drink and we chatted. It was amiable and refreshing. He had gone through 3 relationships by then and was newly married for less than a year to another unpopular classmate (his parents had wanted him to marry a doctor) but there were already news of the marriage hitting the rocks. I had just returned from a memorable holiday in New Zealand where I spent my Millenium New Year and spoke fondly of an American-born Chinese whom I met during the trip. He listened attentively and offered his views on maintaining a long-distance relationship, citing an anecdote about his best friend David and his childhood sweetheart. He had grown and become more matured, the way he looked and the manner he talked. There was a tinge of regret in me instantly. I realised that I had not given him the chance to grow and mature with me. I had rejected him right from the start deep down in my heart. I had been young and foolish, too full of myself and over-confident. It was too late.

My gal friend thought he still had feelings for me then, especially when he asked me whether I was in love, in his ever gentle tone. He refused to mention The Wife at any stage and had lent his listening ears faithfully throughout the night. That has been a long while but the memories somehow came flooding back in torrents unconsciously, from the time we started up to the last meeting we had. I have never met another person who would give me his heart the way I.L. did, and thus have not plunged into any subsequent relationship despite my numerous dates. The emotional tussle in me was much too entangled and lingering.

The last time we met was at a friend's wedding dinner downtown last December, before Christmas. He had been divorced after less than a year of marriage. We were both single and without partner, sitting at adjacent tables in sight of each other. We avoided eye contact for some peculiar reason. He left very early after the couple's entry into the hall. That was really the last time, before I uprooted to Australia.

I have always imagined that maybe he would not have divorced if he had married me in the first place. We would have gotten 3 lovely kids by now. I would have blissfully settled down in Singapore with my own GP clinic and he studiously concentrating on his ENT surgical training. He never looked happy with his unpleasant ex-wife anyway. Our paths of life would have been so different, yet predictable. I do wonder what would have happened if we had met again now, whether there would still be a possibility between us. My colleague consoled me by saying that I could have been the one being dumped if we had married, so it was a blessing in disguise. He advised me not to dwell in the past and live with regrets, but should instead live the present and for the future. His words were great consolations and encouragement for me.

We never had a proper closure to this chapter of our lives, but I believe we have moved on and are searching for our Significant Others. I pray that I would eventually meet The One who would give me his wholesome heart like I.L. did, if not more. As for now, it is time to celebrate Christmas lightheartedly with cherished memories and a joyous soul.